How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
