I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
