Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
