Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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