just come out here and I will go home with you...
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
