last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
how do flat chested girls get laid?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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