Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
this hospital has no fireball
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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