did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
