Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
