i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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