the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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