the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Im part way to drunk.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
