i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
