your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
