Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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