I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
