I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
