I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
