Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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