Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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