I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
