I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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