Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
