we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
