i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
