Whod you bang
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
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