So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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