Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
