Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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