WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
he high fived his dick after we had sex
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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