i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
