you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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