Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
