You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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