I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
