nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
