I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
