happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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