Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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