i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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