I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
