I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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