3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
