i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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