I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
