meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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