you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
