So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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