Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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