I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
